Monday 19 December 2011
Friday 16 December 2011
Thursday 15 December 2011
Wednesday 14 December 2011
Tuesday 29 November 2011
Friday 18 November 2011
Saturday 12 November 2011
Monday 7 November 2011
Saturday 5 November 2011
Mother Knows..
The ringing phone woke me up. Not much work to do, and last night watched 3 movies back to back, one of them about a serial killer. Then started reading life of famous serial killers. Don’t know when I went to sleep. It was still kind of warm then. The weather is mischievous now. You still need the fan when you go to bed. But early in the morning, it’s chilly. I never wake up from deep sleep if I feel cold. I just curl on like a dog with the pillow and often catch a cold.
It’s Ma. I took the call. It’s the only woman whose call I would take at this time, as I like my moment of solitude in the morning. It’s late. I feigned a fresh voice, or Ma would understand that I was asleep. She doesn’t understand why I would at bed after 7. She gets up early around the year.
Last time I told her, every genius works at night and sleep through the day! Even Amartya Sen did! She told, I don’t know, I would have to believe what you say, as I have no means to check if Amartya Sen was really an owl! I was angry, but kept mum. Only one woman would ever dare to talk to me like that. Over years of experience I have learnt, never retort or defend you to criticism. You can never win an argument with an irrational person.
I have loads of complains. Ma you criticize me too much. Criticism never helps. You have never read self help books about relations and upbringing a child! Baba understands me better. His words to me are always more forgiving, mixed with affection and respect. Ma you would never understand what I do, you don’t have a creative mind, you wouldn’t understand the finer things about creations. I have read those books, I apparently have that knowledge, yet I told all these things to her, committed the same mistake, and criticized my Ma without ever realizing how far it might hurt her.
Whenever I would lie down beside her, hug her, all I wished, her silent warm touch which reassures me. She would start talking about things I want to avoid. By work and career she only understands financial security. She would never understand the burning desire, passion in what I do. She understands the money I generated, never the awe and respect earnt. I told her, Golden rule no: 1, never discuss work with me, as I don’t want to end up being hurt.
When I hug her, talk to her it’s not a grown up man, it’s only a kid. He doesn’t want to discuss such material things. Let me handle my own stuff.
A year ago when I started smoking I told my parents. Ma was shocked. As expected she would complain, she criticized. I told her, I need to light up a cigarette. The high of nicotine calms my nerves, gives me more patience and endurance in rough times. Let me handle my life in my own way. How much life have you seen?
You were born and brought up in a well to do family, got married early in another well to do family! Baba was like a rock in 40years of your relationship. You never had to think of anything!
You never had to struggle for anything; you never had ambitions or dreams about your own self. Baba took care of everything. Baba understood, he started smoking at 15! :P I would often joke with Baba, how you spent 40years with this woman? You are an intelligent sensitive man after all! How you spent 40years with her, who is apparently insensitive and blunt in some ways, she must not have told you that she loves you once in 40years! Baba's face was grim, he hadn’t got the humor. But Baba was always a better friend and dependable than Ma! When I first bought shares and invested in funds, I made Baba my joint holder! Baba told, I am already aged, write Ma's name! I joked; I can never depend on Ma! She is easy to be manipulated or influenced!
At 17 Ma caught me red handed when making out with my first girlfriend! :P I was in my first floor bed room apparently discussing notes! Ma came silently! Notes were an excuse. After a passionate kiss, I saw Ma staring at us, shell shocked! All embarrassed! Ma left the room hurriedly and retired to the kitchen at ground floor! After she left, I tried to make Ma understand, I love her, she is my girlfriend! She wouldn’t listen and gave me vibes as if I am the nastiest person existing on earth! I thought, you live in a shell, you are just demeaning a thing which is very normal around the globe! Ma was unhappy because of I was having a romance at such young age, and with a girl she wouldn’t even approve! I thought stop being cynical, I can handle myself.
I used to read my poems to her at times. One day she told me, I don’t like them; they are full with things like "love". As if love is a nasty thing to happen! It hurt me so much; I burnt all my diaries, and stopped writing anything for years! Inside I never forgave her for that.
A decade later, my illusion broke. I told Ma, now I understand why you disapproved; I should have listened to you.
When I turned 21, and started living on my own, everybody understood, I would etch my own path, live life with my own ideology. Ma never did, she would still make possessive cutting remarks which would apparently hurt me. Basking with new found successes I would tear her down with words, comment on every remark she made, and belittle her. It would be always she, when she would make the first call after an altercation. She would always ask stupid things like I should keep an eye on maid, should switch off the gas at night, and what to eat, trivial things like that. I would bark at her over small things, like every person does in growing up days.
Today she called. I realized I have caught a cold. She was as usual talking about small things, like my blanket needs a cover; she needs the measurements to make it. As usual I told her, I forgot to bring out my blankets from divan. Then she told me to buy a new blanket, she would pay for it later. A little conversation and she hung up after she was done, abruptly. I sobbed. For 21years of my life she switched off the fan in early morning, without missing a single day. She never boasted what she did for me. Later on "switching off the fan duty" was done by several people, maids, servants, or some company I had. Last year in December when I was alone, I got fever, 3times in a single month because nobody was there. Today too, just after I woke up, I realized, I am going to be ill. And Ma offered a gift, a new blanket, without even knowing anything.
I always thought I can handle myself from childhood. But I can’t even handle a simple stuff like switching off a fan even as a grown up man. I always had friends, I always had women around me who would tell me how much they care and love. She never did. She never showed. Behind her harsh comments, she always did. And she would continue doing that. I wanted to tell Ma, I love you. I was too ashamed to tell her directly. I texted Baba, because Ma even don’t know how to read sms.
I wrote, "I haven't myself realized winter is coming. I need to bring out the blankets from divan. I still don't switch off the fan at early morning because I still don't wake up from sleep if feeling cold. Only a mother can think of small things like that and call to remind. I have never been a perfect son, but tell her I love her above anything else in my life so far."
I know Baba would convey the message in his own way.
A friend called. I have seen her talking harshly to parents if they called to ask when she would return, as if they are meddling in her personal business. I have told her, even if they are wrong, talk politely over phone, Make your point known, but be polite. We never talk harshly to strangers, to a friend, in a new romance. We shower praise and talks like love and care so much in a budding relation, but we bark at our parents when it doesn’t suits our interests. We get irritated if they poke much in our life’s, without ever realizing that we are hurting them, being insensitive to their insecurities. And insecurity for? Our own well being. If we take a relation for granted and stop nurturing it, it breaks. So we are careful. But we take parents for granted, because they aren’t going to leave us in any circumstances. Even if they are wrong, stop finding faults. They have given you the best birthday gift you would ever get in your lifetime that is "life". Your boyfriend might give you a diamond ring someday, or girlfriend might shower you with love and make you feel in heaven. But nothing is more permanent and durable than your parents!
Show love to your parents. Hug them, tell them how much you lover him/her. Not because you want something, a new bike, money or new piece of jewelry. Love them because they are unique, irreplaceable and responsible for the gene code you are carrying in a physical form named "human being. It’s tough to change the old ones, no matter what your story is, don't ever try to change anything, good or bad. Change your attitude.
I have penned all these things not to advice, pass sermons. Just to remind myself of these simple facts, if I ever forget! Mother knows you better than you know yourself!
-Avradip Saha (Rabon)
5th Nov, 2011, Kolkata
It’s Ma. I took the call. It’s the only woman whose call I would take at this time, as I like my moment of solitude in the morning. It’s late. I feigned a fresh voice, or Ma would understand that I was asleep. She doesn’t understand why I would at bed after 7. She gets up early around the year.
Last time I told her, every genius works at night and sleep through the day! Even Amartya Sen did! She told, I don’t know, I would have to believe what you say, as I have no means to check if Amartya Sen was really an owl! I was angry, but kept mum. Only one woman would ever dare to talk to me like that. Over years of experience I have learnt, never retort or defend you to criticism. You can never win an argument with an irrational person.
I have loads of complains. Ma you criticize me too much. Criticism never helps. You have never read self help books about relations and upbringing a child! Baba understands me better. His words to me are always more forgiving, mixed with affection and respect. Ma you would never understand what I do, you don’t have a creative mind, you wouldn’t understand the finer things about creations. I have read those books, I apparently have that knowledge, yet I told all these things to her, committed the same mistake, and criticized my Ma without ever realizing how far it might hurt her.
Whenever I would lie down beside her, hug her, all I wished, her silent warm touch which reassures me. She would start talking about things I want to avoid. By work and career she only understands financial security. She would never understand the burning desire, passion in what I do. She understands the money I generated, never the awe and respect earnt. I told her, Golden rule no: 1, never discuss work with me, as I don’t want to end up being hurt.
When I hug her, talk to her it’s not a grown up man, it’s only a kid. He doesn’t want to discuss such material things. Let me handle my own stuff.
A year ago when I started smoking I told my parents. Ma was shocked. As expected she would complain, she criticized. I told her, I need to light up a cigarette. The high of nicotine calms my nerves, gives me more patience and endurance in rough times. Let me handle my life in my own way. How much life have you seen?
You were born and brought up in a well to do family, got married early in another well to do family! Baba was like a rock in 40years of your relationship. You never had to think of anything!
You never had to struggle for anything; you never had ambitions or dreams about your own self. Baba took care of everything. Baba understood, he started smoking at 15! :P I would often joke with Baba, how you spent 40years with this woman? You are an intelligent sensitive man after all! How you spent 40years with her, who is apparently insensitive and blunt in some ways, she must not have told you that she loves you once in 40years! Baba's face was grim, he hadn’t got the humor. But Baba was always a better friend and dependable than Ma! When I first bought shares and invested in funds, I made Baba my joint holder! Baba told, I am already aged, write Ma's name! I joked; I can never depend on Ma! She is easy to be manipulated or influenced!
At 17 Ma caught me red handed when making out with my first girlfriend! :P I was in my first floor bed room apparently discussing notes! Ma came silently! Notes were an excuse. After a passionate kiss, I saw Ma staring at us, shell shocked! All embarrassed! Ma left the room hurriedly and retired to the kitchen at ground floor! After she left, I tried to make Ma understand, I love her, she is my girlfriend! She wouldn’t listen and gave me vibes as if I am the nastiest person existing on earth! I thought, you live in a shell, you are just demeaning a thing which is very normal around the globe! Ma was unhappy because of I was having a romance at such young age, and with a girl she wouldn’t even approve! I thought stop being cynical, I can handle myself.
I used to read my poems to her at times. One day she told me, I don’t like them; they are full with things like "love". As if love is a nasty thing to happen! It hurt me so much; I burnt all my diaries, and stopped writing anything for years! Inside I never forgave her for that.
A decade later, my illusion broke. I told Ma, now I understand why you disapproved; I should have listened to you.
When I turned 21, and started living on my own, everybody understood, I would etch my own path, live life with my own ideology. Ma never did, she would still make possessive cutting remarks which would apparently hurt me. Basking with new found successes I would tear her down with words, comment on every remark she made, and belittle her. It would be always she, when she would make the first call after an altercation. She would always ask stupid things like I should keep an eye on maid, should switch off the gas at night, and what to eat, trivial things like that. I would bark at her over small things, like every person does in growing up days.
Today she called. I realized I have caught a cold. She was as usual talking about small things, like my blanket needs a cover; she needs the measurements to make it. As usual I told her, I forgot to bring out my blankets from divan. Then she told me to buy a new blanket, she would pay for it later. A little conversation and she hung up after she was done, abruptly. I sobbed. For 21years of my life she switched off the fan in early morning, without missing a single day. She never boasted what she did for me. Later on "switching off the fan duty" was done by several people, maids, servants, or some company I had. Last year in December when I was alone, I got fever, 3times in a single month because nobody was there. Today too, just after I woke up, I realized, I am going to be ill. And Ma offered a gift, a new blanket, without even knowing anything.
I always thought I can handle myself from childhood. But I can’t even handle a simple stuff like switching off a fan even as a grown up man. I always had friends, I always had women around me who would tell me how much they care and love. She never did. She never showed. Behind her harsh comments, she always did. And she would continue doing that. I wanted to tell Ma, I love you. I was too ashamed to tell her directly. I texted Baba, because Ma even don’t know how to read sms.
I wrote, "I haven't myself realized winter is coming. I need to bring out the blankets from divan. I still don't switch off the fan at early morning because I still don't wake up from sleep if feeling cold. Only a mother can think of small things like that and call to remind. I have never been a perfect son, but tell her I love her above anything else in my life so far."
I know Baba would convey the message in his own way.
A friend called. I have seen her talking harshly to parents if they called to ask when she would return, as if they are meddling in her personal business. I have told her, even if they are wrong, talk politely over phone, Make your point known, but be polite. We never talk harshly to strangers, to a friend, in a new romance. We shower praise and talks like love and care so much in a budding relation, but we bark at our parents when it doesn’t suits our interests. We get irritated if they poke much in our life’s, without ever realizing that we are hurting them, being insensitive to their insecurities. And insecurity for? Our own well being. If we take a relation for granted and stop nurturing it, it breaks. So we are careful. But we take parents for granted, because they aren’t going to leave us in any circumstances. Even if they are wrong, stop finding faults. They have given you the best birthday gift you would ever get in your lifetime that is "life". Your boyfriend might give you a diamond ring someday, or girlfriend might shower you with love and make you feel in heaven. But nothing is more permanent and durable than your parents!
Show love to your parents. Hug them, tell them how much you lover him/her. Not because you want something, a new bike, money or new piece of jewelry. Love them because they are unique, irreplaceable and responsible for the gene code you are carrying in a physical form named "human being. It’s tough to change the old ones, no matter what your story is, don't ever try to change anything, good or bad. Change your attitude.
I have penned all these things not to advice, pass sermons. Just to remind myself of these simple facts, if I ever forget! Mother knows you better than you know yourself!
-Avradip Saha (Rabon)
5th Nov, 2011, Kolkata
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